2012: The audacity to pursue GREATNESS

In December 2010 this was the post I put up - 2011: In Pursuit of Happiness.  Today i reflect on what 2011 has been like for me.  Though I did not attain the happiness I desperately sought after, I finally came to terms and accepted my fate.  I'm here to stay.  In Nigeria.  There is no going back.  At least for now.  This is God's purpose....

I remember when I started working at the Supermarket retail company I was working for, I took the job because it offered mobility (company car) and company accommodation - though in the secluded area.  My plan was to be there for a few months and jet out of there.  As months went by, I could not understand why God was still not there for me (lol).  I had such bad sleepless nights making me write this.  But as i reflect, God did not forsake me.  There's a reason why God kept me there for a whole year.  

1.  Amongst many things, I thank God for enabling to accept and embrace where I am today
2. I thank Him for the breath of life
3. I thank God for my old job.  It provided me with mobility and accommodation and taught me a lot of things.  I thank God for vital connections I made.
4. I thank God for my new job; for this is only the beginning, not my final stop. 
5. I thank God for my business.  For eyes have not seen, ears have not, nor has it entered into the hearts of men what God has in store for me
6. I thank God for not allowing me to fall back into depression in 2011
7. I thank God for my happy days
8. I thank God for I've found 'a piece of' Faith
9. I thank God for all my past loses, challenges, tears, and heart aches.  Because my story and testimony will be great.  I know I will one day own a bigger house than the one I lost and own a better car, and have a better job
10. I thank God for allowing me to celebrate my 32nd birthday this year
11. I thank Him for making me look young and beautiful
12. I thank God for bringing Saint into my life.  Because after Ruby i never thought I could love again.  But I know I can, and I know I will find my Knight that God has in mind for me.  I can and will love again.  And I will be loved and appreciated.  For when I love; it's die hard!!
13. I thank God for the rejection from Saint and for him not being ready for a committed relationship.  I thank God for giving me the ability to accept he isn't the one; my Knight.  For God has better plans for me - He will exceedingly supersede my expectations and silence the Ridicule.  For His thoughts are not my thoughts, neither are my ways His ways. 
14. I thank God for working on my insecurities.  For He will give me beauty for ashes.  People may reject me but God has hand picked me.  I am chosen.  I am beautiful inside and outside.
15. I thank God for not forsaking me through my trials.  Man may forsake me but He loves me - He is not man - He will never leave me nor forsake me. His message for me "Have faith in my promises I have revealed to you......  Don’t let anyone take that from you.  Joseph at a young age dreamt about the promises I had for him.  Despite those promises Joseph went through trials- he was sold to slavery, became a servant in Potiphar’s house, and went to prison.  Be at peace for I shall exalt you the way I exalted Joseph."
16. I thank God for I am able to acknowledge my weakness and hence making me a better person
17. I thank God for making me seek Him desperately, like my life depended on it.
18. I thank God for my breakthrough, for now I have to the audacity to pursue greatness!!!

As I pursue greatness in 2012, Lord do not allow my foot to be moved for my help comes only from You.  Preserve my soul.  Do not let the sun strike nor the moon by night; and preserve me from evil.  You are my helper, I will not fear.  What can man do to me?

Let not those who wait for You, O Lord God of hosts be ashamed because of me.  Do a new thing in my life that all may know it.  Even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.  In 2012, let the snaring tongues be put to shame; let them not say in their hearts, "Ah, so we would have it!"

Dear Saint, I can't sleep...

Random message to Saint around 03:30am April 19th 2011

I've been so agitated and frustrated at/with work for faaaaar too long. And the last week has gotten me permanently angry and fucking swearing

Now I see why employees gun down people in d office. Lol

I think I'm gonna quit

Am I unrealistic for wishing I had a great and caring man in my life that would bring calmness and serenity into my life after a daily dose of bullshit at work???
Or do such expectations and dreams of one with such serene qualities only exist in my fantasy deluded world?

Lol!!  I kid myself. What I need is a bloody new job and be surrounded by people and co-workers that will not 'give me' Insomnia or make my heart pound.

My heart pounds for 3 reasons- fear (of d unknown), anxiety, and love. As we all know it is not d later. Though I wish it were.

As for the other possible causes of my heart pounding- as at now I only have God to bring serenity into my life

2011: In Pursuit of Happiness

Written December 31st 2010

For many, 2010 has been a year of joy or maybe a mixture of good times and bad times. But for someone like me- it’s been bad times/disappointments one after the other-even till the last minute. It’s very hard for me to see the good things God has done for me this year other than keep me alive. I can actually say I’ve been unhappy for at least 360days of this year.

With all the disappointments (even till the last minute) I have struggled with my faith. And indeed lost my faith. I feel ashamed that after struggling for so long to hold on to the last string of faith I had- I finally gave up and let go. I’ve heard all the religious and clichéd comments people make (eg God is this, God is that, things will get better……blah blah blah, yawn yawn yawn) but the truth is- it never really got better- even till the very end. No offense to anyone but I feel the biggest heart break I got this year (in my entire life) was from God. I feel God abandoned me (amongst others). So yeh I feel hurt that I didn’t get part of the blessings God passed around this year. But most especially I hate the fact that I’ve changed; 2010 changed who I am- I’m no longer ‘me’ and do not know the woman I have become.

But as 2011 approaches, a part of me still seeks to find my faith. I still find myself hoping for a better tomorrow. As I continue to pursue happiness, I can only pray hope that I find it round the corner and it will no longer elude me. I want the sleepless nights to end, I want the teary sessions to end, and I want the disappointments to stop. I just want to be happy. I want (a better) ‘me’ back!!!

I pray for a better 2011 and I pray the same for you.