2011: In Pursuit of Happiness

Written December 31st 2010

For many, 2010 has been a year of joy or maybe a mixture of good times and bad times. But for someone like me- it’s been bad times/disappointments one after the other-even till the last minute. It’s very hard for me to see the good things God has done for me this year other than keep me alive. I can actually say I’ve been unhappy for at least 360days of this year.

With all the disappointments (even till the last minute) I have struggled with my faith. And indeed lost my faith. I feel ashamed that after struggling for so long to hold on to the last string of faith I had- I finally gave up and let go. I’ve heard all the religious and clichéd comments people make (eg God is this, God is that, things will get better……blah blah blah, yawn yawn yawn) but the truth is- it never really got better- even till the very end. No offense to anyone but I feel the biggest heart break I got this year (in my entire life) was from God. I feel God abandoned me (amongst others). So yeh I feel hurt that I didn’t get part of the blessings God passed around this year. But most especially I hate the fact that I’ve changed; 2010 changed who I am- I’m no longer ‘me’ and do not know the woman I have become.

But as 2011 approaches, a part of me still seeks to find my faith. I still find myself hoping for a better tomorrow. As I continue to pursue happiness, I can only pray hope that I find it round the corner and it will no longer elude me. I want the sleepless nights to end, I want the teary sessions to end, and I want the disappointments to stop. I just want to be happy. I want (a better) ‘me’ back!!!

I pray for a better 2011 and I pray the same for you.