Fighting Temptations: No More Sheets

Sex, a word considered a taboo in the Church. An act considered shameful especially amongst Singles. A word many Church leaders choose to turn a blind eye to and rather assume an ignorant position when it comes to the singles; the workers. After all, they are committed workers that come to Church every Sunday and for all mid-week services; surely they can not be fornicating. But the truth is, sex (and other forms of immoral acts) is real. It’s happening in the Church; probably more amongst the singles rather than the married.

After a year of avoiding it, I finally sat down to watch the DVD ministration of Juanita Bynum- titled No More Sheets. It is the first preaching I had heard regarding singles (not marriage) in a long time that actually ministered to me; and come to think of it probably one of the best messages I’ve ever heard. Dr. Bynum was real. She was too real. To finally have someone on the pulpit talk about her personal challenges of being single was humbling. It was an awesome experience to see a minister who in the name of saving souls and touching someone put literally every nitty gritty detail of her past and short comings on the table for all to hear. It was a breath of fresh air not to hear someone who regurgitated what the Bible said about sexual immorality but let us know we are not alone; she knows what we’re going through- for she too is going through it as well.

Many singles are tired of singles seminars being held by married men and women of God who just never seemed to connect. Ministers of God who probably did not wait past the ‘right’ age; who did not have to hold on for their life partners. Ministers who probably came to the faith after getting married. Holier than thou ministers who make it seem as if only married people ever had urges/hormones and as a single person they did not struggle to kill the flesh. Ministers who married as virgins. Ministers who after ministering to so called singles will go home and lay down next to their spouses. But with Dr. Bynum, she shared her pain and consequences of her actions with us; and we felt it. It was heart touching. It was nice to hear ‘hold on’ from someone who knows our (singles) struggles and is going through it; someone who is really holding on too. Someone who also had the same thoughts and questions:

• Why am I not married?
• How can I be set free?
• When will I get married?
• When will I get someone to support and encourage me? After all, the Bible does say Ecclesiastes 4:11 (NIV) Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?

Now, why are some of us not married? According to Bynum, it’s because some have been married too many times. When one is intimate with someone, spiritually you marry them. Genesis 2:24 states- For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. So you’re married to all these men/women and you never divorced them; you’re not single!!!!! These people are still in you so there is no room for a wife or a husband. You are still attached to an ex. You know you’re still attached when you see the person and something jumps inside of you; when you're worshiping in the house of God and you have ‘flashbacks’.

Bynum focused on single women. Many women claim that they are ready to get married and yet

• They can't cook. I’m not saying a woman’s place is in the kitchen nor does one need to be a chef, but you should at least be able to put something edible together. Feed your husband. Feed your children good food.
• Their nails are too long to prepare pounded yam, and as Bynum said, your nails are too long to make biscuits.
• They can't do laundry.
• Their bedroom is a mess.
• Their apartment is filthy.
• They CAN NOT pay their own bills.
• They don’t grasp the concept of being submissive or the meaning of respect.
• Or they are too needy

In regards to being needy, some cultures have misguided both men and women by making them to believe that a ‘boyfriend’ is meant to cater for every single need of a ‘girlfriend’. Women pride themselves on all the material things that their bf has given them from the tampons they use to the clothes they wear and to the vacation trips abroad. Many have a misconstrued definition of a woman’s role in a relationship. A woman is to be helpmate; not a cash slot- like that of a casino. When you get married, what are you bringing to the table? Is it high credit card bills; is it 200 pairs of shoes; a box of make-up? These are not qualities of a helpmate. Get yourself together and stop looking for a rescuer. You are a major responsibility. Get out of debt. Bynum went on to say, God will bless you according to your integrity, not how beautiful you are, not how big certain parts of your body are, nor how sexy you look. A helpmate is a helper, not a devourer. Remember, nothing goes for nothing. When a man spends on you, there is a silent agreement or contract where he has the rights to touch or have sex with you in exchange for the material gifts.

When we don’t involve God 100% in choosing our spouse and we choose ourselves, we choose someone who at that point in time meets our requirement and most often than not- rocks our world. And then there are those who choose out of desperation or for totally wrong reasons. But when God chooses for you (a single lady), he chooses someone who can accommodate where you’re going.

• A man of God.
• A praying man.
• A fasting man
• A man who loves his wife just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.
• A man who loves his mother.
• Respects his female relatives.
• A man who submits to authority and to his pastor.
• A man who understands that if he doesn’t treat his wife right, he should not expect God to remember his prayers.
• A man who can catch his wife in the spirit, in prayer, intercede for her, fast for her and minister to her.
• A real man after Christ’s heart gives life to a woman. Not use her, mistreat her or abuse her.

So that after 5 – 10 years, neither party can say they’ve grown apart.

There is a penalty for every man or woman one sleeps with and as a single person who is looking to get married, you need to be set free from every spirit husband or wife before getting married. All your body parts are all over the world which has to be taken/ called back; and in order to be fully prepared, one has to be in the depth of God that matches the depth of sin or supersedes the depth of sin one has come out from.

• You need to be processed before getting married. Let God purge your spirit, cleanse your heart, and renew a right spirit within you.
• Walk by faith; faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God- Romans 10:17. Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen- Hebrews 11:1.
• Learn to live on the word of God.
• Make God your provider, not man. He is the Jehovah Jireh. Know God rather then get another girlfriend or boyfriend to satisfy your needs.
• Let God prove Himself to you.
• God should be your ultimate joy, not a man, not a woman.

Marriage is not sex. You do not marry for sex. Sex is a ministry; be prepared to minister to your spouse.

No More Sheets is a DVD/CD every adult must watch, both single and married.

Singles: Through the eyes of the Church

As singles, a lot of us have great expectations of marriage- some true and realistic, and others false and unrealistic. We all have plans and ideas of when we will get married, how our wedding will be and even what type of person we will get married to, etc. But the reality is that things do not fall according to plan for a lot of singles. We do not all marry at the ‘right age’ or marry the ‘right person’ or have the wedding of our dreams. God’s time and plan is not always in line with ours.

As singles, especially African singles, we face prejudice and pressure from our society, families, friends and ourselves. The constant reminders of our single status; the endless questions such as:

1.Is this the year we will eat rice?
2.How far as per wife/husband?
3.Are you being too picky?
4.Don’t you know you are getting old?

The questions then are, do we face these same prejudices and pressure from the Church? Is our single status seen as a taboo; does the Church value the singles as much as the married, are they respected, and are we constantly being nagged about changing our status from single to married? Or does the Church in fact reduce the burden and pressure we face and let us feel valued as any other member? And is it a place where singles can temporarily forget their status?

A few singles from various Churches were asked the following questions:
1.What are the positive changes or gains you expect after getting married?
2.Why do you want to get married?
3.Do you fit in?
4.After speaking to a few singles from different Churches I’ve noticed some face challenges as a single person in the Church. What challenges and obstacles do you face?
5.How do others relate to you?

And the responses we got were interesting. First and foremost marriage is honorable in the sight of God. It is an institution ordained by God. God made woman to be man's helper (Genesis 2:18). God also instructed man to leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife, and become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). In Jeremiah 29:6, God said we should take wives for our sons and give our daughters to husbands so they may bear sons and daughters and increase: therefore pro-creation. Though it is God’s will to pro-create, some feel it should not be the main basis of marriage. Also, Proverbs 18:22 clearly states that “he that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from above”. Marriage is good!

Overall the expectation singles have from getting married is companionship; someone who has got one’s back. Someone to share one’s life with; care for you, care for one’s children and have a stable life with. Spiritual increase, financial increase and social security are also expected. Another thing is the joy of getting off the dating scene. It will bring relief to the feeling that one has to be receptive to every ‘potential’ just because "they may be the right one" or to prove to onlookers that one is not being choosey. There will be no more time wasting on dating, temporary relationships etc.

Singles generally only see benefits to marriage. They expect marriage to bring synergy to achieve common goals, to fulfill God’s plans in one’s life, and for decision making i.e. two good heads are better than one. Regular sex is another benefit expected and also to have the experience of sexual intimacy with someone that one genuinely loves which will help guard against sexual immorality. There will be no more struggles with pre-marital sex.

Other singles want to get married so as to be happy- as they believe unmarried people by and large are not happy. Marriage teaches one to be co-dependent, patient, selfless, mature, to grow spiritually and help reach one’s destination.

On the contrary some do not feel the pressures of getting married. Why? Because they feel they have a better momentum as a single person. Eventually when God does bless them with a future partner, they will be willing to face anything positive and negative marriage may bring. The reason why some singles may want to get married at a specific point in time- is because of the pressure to do so.


So, how does the Church view their singles? A particular single attended a Wednesday service in their parish where the Minister in charge of prayer used the phrase "the stigma of being single". Now, if the Minister’s view represents those of the Church- it is unknown. But the word stigma means "a mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one's reputation". As a married Minister who was once single this can be viewed as insensitive, considering that the Church consists of and will always consist of singles. It got this single thinking, “is that really how people view me at Church...a disgrace; a taboo?”

While some singles are susceptible to these challenges they face around them, some are confident and able to hold their head up high and not waver from the constant badgering they encounter. They actually like the fact that they stand out and put people at arm’s length in order to avoid being susceptible to negative questions and comments.

On the other hand, some feel the Church tends to take so much from the singles, and give back so little. The African culture generally respects the institution of marriage, hence it is only natural that more respect will be shown to one after marriage compared to when one is single - that respect stems from the responsibility that marriage brings. However, some members take this to the extreme by disrespecting singles because they think that singles cannot live a holy life. Many singles experience being left out from social events because of their status.

In summary, society expects singles to be married by a certain age. It is almost conceived as a ‘stigma’ to be single in your late twenties and upwards. Only a single that has had to wait past the ‘right age’ truly knows and understands the ‘stigma’ the society places on singles. In order to ‘fit in’, some become desperate and settle for what they can get. Singles need to look beyond the opinion of man and focus on God. God’s time is the best time. It is better to marry late and have a fulfilled marriage rather than marry early and not experience the joys of marriage. The time spent being single is the time to cultivate oneself in every facet of life to become a better person, the best spouse and best parent possible.

The panacea to feeling left out may be to join a small group so that one can associate with other singles or people one shares things in common with.

The Church should be a ‘stigma free zone’ for singles. It should be a place where singles do not feel the same pressures faced from society, friends, family and self. A place where cultural opinions are not imposed on others. A place where singles are not constantly reminded of their status; where respect is shown to all no matter their age, position and marital status.