Dear Saint, I can't sleep...

Random message to Saint around 03:30am April 19th 2011

I've been so agitated and frustrated at/with work for faaaaar too long. And the last week has gotten me permanently angry and fucking swearing

Now I see why employees gun down people in d office. Lol

I think I'm gonna quit

Am I unrealistic for wishing I had a great and caring man in my life that would bring calmness and serenity into my life after a daily dose of bullshit at work???
Or do such expectations and dreams of one with such serene qualities only exist in my fantasy deluded world?

Lol!!  I kid myself. What I need is a bloody new job and be surrounded by people and co-workers that will not 'give me' Insomnia or make my heart pound.

My heart pounds for 3 reasons- fear (of d unknown), anxiety, and love. As we all know it is not d later. Though I wish it were.

As for the other possible causes of my heart pounding- as at now I only have God to bring serenity into my life

2011: In Pursuit of Happiness

Written December 31st 2010

For many, 2010 has been a year of joy or maybe a mixture of good times and bad times. But for someone like me- it’s been bad times/disappointments one after the other-even till the last minute. It’s very hard for me to see the good things God has done for me this year other than keep me alive. I can actually say I’ve been unhappy for at least 360days of this year.

With all the disappointments (even till the last minute) I have struggled with my faith. And indeed lost my faith. I feel ashamed that after struggling for so long to hold on to the last string of faith I had- I finally gave up and let go. I’ve heard all the religious and clichéd comments people make (eg God is this, God is that, things will get better……blah blah blah, yawn yawn yawn) but the truth is- it never really got better- even till the very end. No offense to anyone but I feel the biggest heart break I got this year (in my entire life) was from God. I feel God abandoned me (amongst others). So yeh I feel hurt that I didn’t get part of the blessings God passed around this year. But most especially I hate the fact that I’ve changed; 2010 changed who I am- I’m no longer ‘me’ and do not know the woman I have become.

But as 2011 approaches, a part of me still seeks to find my faith. I still find myself hoping for a better tomorrow. As I continue to pursue happiness, I can only pray hope that I find it round the corner and it will no longer elude me. I want the sleepless nights to end, I want the teary sessions to end, and I want the disappointments to stop. I just want to be happy. I want (a better) ‘me’ back!!!

I pray for a better 2011 and I pray the same for you.

This is The Air I Breath

This is such a beautiful song- enjoy!

Has God Forsaken Us?

By faith I say No, He has not. Everything works together to the glory of God.

We all go thru trials and tribulations that sometimes makes us lose our faith. It makes us question our faith. Is there a God? Has God forsaken me? Has God forgotten me? Does God not love me? What have I done to deserve this? There are even times when one no longer prays cause you don’t know how to pray or what to pray for.

As human beings we have goals, we set 5 year plans, we have ambitions, dreams, desires, hopes etc. but as some of us have experienced these things have not gone according to plan or unfolded according to our time schedule. If you’re human like me there are times when I tell God I can no longer continue. Times where I have given up ‘cause I’m soooooo stretched. Times where I’ve become mentally and even physically exhausted from trying to figure out a way out; an escape plan. But He never fails to remind me- His grace is sufficient for me; for His thoughts are not my thoughts, neither are His ways my ways (Isaiah 55:8). For the thoughts He thinks towards me are thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give me a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

Yesterday as I roamed the streets of NYC trying to figure out what to do, I stumbled across Times Square Church. I got there as service started. Everything does work together to the glory of God for the message I heard was for me. Everything must bow down to God. I must humble all my plans, goals, destiny, desires etc to God. I have to submit everything to God. This life I live isn’t about me; it’s about God. I have to prepare my mind for greater things. Free my mind of any worries; for YES, His grace is sufficient for me. And though I do not have strength, my strength is in the Lord. God loves me. God loves you. He has not forsaken nor forgotten us.

I WILL BE GOOD NEWS in this generation for I have the Word of God.

p.s. If any of u have a testimony you'd like to share- pls feel free to send to tigeress2much@gmail.com. Make subject: Testimony.

God Spoke To Me

Me: Woaw, God i thank u so much for my temporary assignment that has been extended AGAIN. Thank you so much cos mehn I don't know how I'd survive without a job........... but Lord..........why can't i seem to get a new job? A better job. You know career wise I am not progressing financially.

God: You are welcome- I hope now you can trust that I will always make a way for you. Just continue to pay your tithes and leave everything else to me. But as for you wanting to leave UBS- daughter, you remember that day you walked past the company in London and you said in your heart "I'd love to work for this company- UBS Warburg" one day? Well, even though your wishes were not granted immediately.......you eventually got your wish. I mean which other company allows you to work from home when needed. Which company will you work for that you'll have the ability to work from any office world wide? Remember your vacation trips to London- u've been able to work while visiting family and friends.

Me: Emmm....... yeh i know. But God i'm struggling financially. Compensation wise I have taken too many steps backwards. I don't know how i'm gonna cope and i have no one to come to my rescue.

God: Least you've forgotten, you are not an American citizen nor a GC holder- you're on H1B and yet citizens and GC holders are out of work and......

Me: I know i know and I do thank you for it but I pay my tithes God, after all you're suppose to rebuke the devourer in my life.

God: Thanks for reminding me of my Word and yes you are correct but do you think those who are out of work do not pay their tithes? And look at this way, a salary cut is better than no income at all.

Me: Emmm.......I guess......

Silence.....

Me: God why am I still single? You know I really want kids. Plus I'm tired of being single.

God: Well I did say what ever you ask for in my name shall be given unto you. What you've asked me for you don't see every day. I mean, you are aware of the personal qualities you've asked for in a man? It takes time my dear. It takes longer than usual to prepare such a man, so be patient and continue to work on yourself. And yes, you WILL get married and have as many children as you want.

Me: Please don't make me wait too much longer- after all my requirements have gone down to 5"10 and i'm now open to light skinned guys as well as non- Nigerians. Ok maybe not so non-Nigerians but.... (sigh!!!)

Me: God you've said in your Word that by Jesus' stripes we are healed but the same Word talks about Paul and his thorn in the flesh where he begged you 3 times to remove and you said no. I mean I've been praying for too many years for your healing and it's gotten to the point where I no longer pray cos i do not know what to pray for or how to pray. Are you trying to tell me something here?

God: My grace is sufficient for you.

Me: But I....

God: My grace is sufficient for you, Tigeress. You are beautiful as it is. Plus I'm not yet convinced that if I give you your healing now that you won't walk around literally baring all to see.

Me: So I would get healed?

Silence......

Me: God, will i get healed?

God: My grace is sufficient for thee.

Me: (sigh). God please take away every foreign thing in and on my body away. Please God.

SILENCE......

God: Tigeress

Me: Yes God?

God: I revealed to you the importance of prayer many years ago in your dreams but yet I do not hear from you as often as I should. Have you forgotten your dream; the consequences of not praying?

Me: No Lord (my head bowed)

God: You are aware that u need to be fervent in your prayers? Prayer empowers you to resist the devil, after all you are aware of the devices of the devil...................
Tigeress you need to understand that your future is bright and the devil sees it, and he will stop at nothing. I am the Lord your God- show me that you trust me. Show me that you love me. Show me that you're dependent on me. Pray without ceasing. Worship me in spirit and in truth. Obey my commandments.

God: (sighs) Tigeress.

Me: Yes Lord?

God: Tigeress, i love you. I love you so so much...............

God: Tigeress

Me: Yes Lord?

God: Glorify me in body and spirit. Understand that your body is a member of my son Jesus Christ and you were bought at a price; therefore glorify me in your body and in your spirit, which are mine. Be holy for I your Lord is holy. Stay holy.

Me: Yes my Lord. For I know I have sinned and fallen short of your glory one too many times, but have mercy on me.

God: You have been forgiven already my child; I just need you to continue to stay true to me.

Me: Thank you Lord.

Silence.........

Me: But God, back to my career, I know I'm not where I ought to be.

God: Patience Tigeress. Patience. Have I not shown you that you shall have double promotion that will be beyond your dreams and will surprise you and your peers?

Me: Yes, you have Lord. I remember that dream.

God: Good, so have faith- for it shall come to pass. The devil may try to rear it's ugly head but I am God. If I have said yes, no one can say no. If I have opened the door no one, and I mean NO ONE can shut it. Remember the dream you had the night of the 16/17th of February? Every arrow of the enemy or plans of trouble makers in your life shall backfire and be sent back to sender- remember? For I shall deliver you. In fact I have delivered you; after all, I gave you victory over your emenies. In time your victory will manifest.

God: Tigeress, eyes have not seen, ears have not heard, nor has it entered into the heart of man the things which I have prepared for those who love me- you. Your name will never forsake you; for I shall always remember you. I am not man, that I should lie, nor a son of man, that I should repent. Have I said, and will I not do? Or have I spoken, and will I not make it good? Hold on to your faith in me and be at peace- for I am the Lord your God.

Me: (smiles) Thank You Lord, thank You God. For You are my Lord and Saviour; in You will I put my trust.

30: The Year of Greater Things

As my 29th birthday approached last year, I started to think of my 30th. And as I did for each prior year, I prayed and hoped that same time next year I would have progressed career wise; prayed and hoped that same time next year I won't still be single- in fact that I’ll be married or at least planning my wedding. I had said that God forbid that I’m still single at 30 (with no kids) that I will not celebrate my birthday. After all, what am I celebrating, abi?

I know I am destined for greater things. I can feel it in my spirit and soul. The constant personal challenges I face proves to me that I have a bright future. I mean, why would one encounter so many obstacles despites God’s promises? Why would the devil be so determined to hinder me from reaching God’s destiny for me?

But I think, I’m 30 soon. When will these challenges end? When will I have to stop praying and fasting extra hard for something others have fall in their laps? What is so exciting about turning 30- without achieving what I feel I ought to have achieved? Because no matter how you look at it, be it single at 30, married at 30, having 6 kids by 30, earning 6d at 30- 30 ain’t young!

But as my birthday is fast approaching now, I keep reflecting on what God has done in my life so far, and I have to just give Him thanks. I no longer worry when these challenges rear their ugly heads. ‘Cause if God can deliver me out of the hands of my “Egyptians” and make a way out each time I’m pushed into a corner- I am rest assured that He will not put me to shame nor let my enemies triumph over me- for my trust is in Him and not in man.
-I thank Him for the gift of life. The gift of sleeping and waking up.
-I thank Him for the wisdom he has given me as I mature daily.
-I thank Him for giving me the spirit of discernment.
-I thank Him for me being able to acknowledge my weaknesses and for making me a better person. A better friend. A loyal friend.
-I thank Him for planting the seed of wanting to know His word more.
-I thank Him for giving me the desire to grow spiritually.
-I thank Him for taming my temper and replacing it with patience.
-I thank Him because I KNOW that through my infirmities His name shall only be praised.
-I thank Him for making me beautiful.
-I thank Him for giving me the understanding of paying my tithes.
-I thank Him that I didn't lose my job and rather got a 20% pay cut.
-I thank Him that my work contract keeps getting renewed. A 3months contract and 2.5yrs down the line- i'm still here.
-I thank Him for reconnecting me with my father- before 30.
-I thank Him for giving me the ability to let go of the bitterness I had towards my mother.
-I thank Him for the brother He gave me. I have the best brother ever.
-I thank Him for the Love my extended family have for me. They make me feel special.
-I thank Him for giving me the ability to forgive and forget what my abuser did to me as a child.
-I thank Him that I completed my MBA before 30.
-I thank Him for I was able to purchase two homes as a single lady before 30.
-I thank Him because I can say I have lived in 3 different continents and worked in 2 different Western countries before 30.
-I thank Him for not allowing me to marry younger. I thank Him because I know when I do marry, I’ll be a better wife and mother compared to what I would have been 4 years ago.

I know age 30 is a special number to God. 30 is my year of greater things; greater beginnings; my year of laughter; my year of promotion; my year of divine favour.
Because at age 30, Jesus got baptized and started his ministry. At age 30 David became King over Israel. At 30, John the Baptist baptized Jesus. At 30 Joseph married Asenath, the daughter of the priest of Heliopolis, and thus became a member of the priestly class. At 30 Jospeh, was remembered by the butler who connected him with Pharoah. At 30 he attained a high position in Egypt; the wise man of Egpyt.

So yes, I will be celebrating my 30th. May God keep me till then!!!! August 21st.
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TODAY'S WORD from Joel and Victoria
Did you know that in the Bible, David was 17 years old when he was anointed to be king, but yet he did not take the throne until he was 30? I’m sure during those 13 years there were plenty of times that David was tempted to think it wasn’t going to happen. I’m sure he was tempted to get frustrated or even feel like a failure, thinking “God, did I hear You? I thought You said You were going to do something great with my life, but nothing is going my way.” Here he was being faithful, but all those years he saw no sign of the promise coming to pass.
I’m sure David had to fight the same negative thoughts that we do; thoughts that were telling him “It’s not going to happen. David, you didn’t hear from God. Just accept it.” The battle was taking place in his mind just like our battles take place in our minds. During those times when it seems like you aren’t getting any closer to seeing your dream come to pass, remember, the scripture tells us that through faith and patience we inherit the promises of God.
A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Father God, I humbly come to You, believing that You are working behind the scenes on my behalf. I trust that Your Word is true and believe that through faith and patience, I will see Your promises come to pass in my life. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

Thorn in the Flesh

As a growing Christian, I have a lot of questions i need answers to. I hope that answers to these questions will not only add to my knowledge but will also add your own.

In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (New King James Version) Paul talks about the thorn in his flesh which God did not take away from him. Ever since i read this passage, my mind has been bugged down with questions.
What does this thorn in the flesh represent? What does it mean? Sickness, challenges we go through etc.?
Are there things we desire that God will not give us? e.g. healing? children? spouse? break-thru? good career? success?

(NKJV) 7 And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. 8 Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

(New Living Translation) 7 even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. 8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Buffet means:
To hit or beat, especially repeatedly.
To strike against forcefully; batter: winds that buffeted the tent.
To drive or force with or as if with repeated blows: was buffeted about from job to job by the vagaries of the economy.
To force (one's way) with difficulty.

Does God leave us with thorns in our flesh to torment us so that we do not become proud and forsake him? Cos we all know that when things are going good, it's human nature to forget God and only return to him in times of struggle. It is human nature for the rich and successful to think there is no God and even if they do believe, they think it's their own doing that got them to where they are.